Category: Funny

I thought I saw a Tweetie Bird

Shaquille O'Neal

With the spate of celebrity Twitter stories in the media at the moment there’s always been some debate as to whether these accounts are real, fake, or just an intern working at a publicist’s office. When Shaquille O’Neal tweeted that he was eating at a Phoenix diner, Jesse Bearden and a friend decided to see if it really was Shaq.

Returning to our hushed whispers I asked Sean, “Should we go talk to him now?”
“I don’t know, should we?”

“Yes, you should” a very deep voice entered our conversation from 2 booths over.

My own twitter account is here, though I can’t promise to be in any diners.

“An bhfuil tusa ag leabhairt lomsa?”

Irish language prideHere’s a great video about a bored Chinese shop worker who learns Irish before moving there, without realising that very little Irish is used in day-to-day life.

Highlights include the Taxi Driver reference and a cameo from Frank Kelly (better known as Father Jack in Father Ted) and the result is a touching short film that’s equal parts hilarious and shaming. Maybe I’ll try and find my old Inter. Cert. course books and have a refresher before I start Cognitive Psychology.

A Brief History of Meme

Cover of Weezer are known for their inventive videos, from Buddy Holly (which was included as part of Windows ’95 to show off its multimedia capabilities) to Islands in the Sun.

The video to Pork and Beans, the single from their soon to be released Red Album,
contains a potted history of some of the more pervasive internet memes. If you’re having trouble finding them all Fox Australia has a nice little cheat sheet.

“And then they bring out Maria…”

fitness tortureAngharad has been going to the gym for a couple of months and in some sort of masochistic way has
started enjoying it. Of course, when one enjoys something the first thought is to share it with your friends and loved ones which is why the little darling gave my name and phone number so I could have a free trial.

I found out about this today when Roberta, the peppy Spanish fitness instructor, called me to bully me into going down.

Me (confused because my phone is ringing on a Saturday afternoon):
Hello?

R.T.P.S.F.I: Hallo Mr. Ryan, this is Roberta from L.A. Fitness. You have been referred by a friend who thinks you need to go to the gym. How about a free session to see what you need to do.

Me (battered by the joint attack of peppiness and Spanishness):
Uhm. Yes. That sounds like a good idea.

R: Great. Can you come down in five minutes.
Me: Woah there lil horsey. I can come some time next week.

R: I don’t think that’s enough motivation, why don’t you just skip along right now.
Me: No. Really. Next week.

R (Showing her true alien side, for all fitness instructors are
from a dying alien planet come here to steal our
hard-earned flab): Now really Mr. Ryan, don’t you want to be
fit. It’s in your best interest to come down tomorrow.
Me: But it’s a three-day weekend. I’m being lazy!

R: That’s not good enough. You have to make an appointment now.
Me (starting to sob): Okay okay. Tuesday evening.

R: That’s better. We’ll see you at 6pm on Tuesday. Don’t forget, we know where you live…

Help.

Kahfee

The office where I work, like most modern offices, has a posh coffee machine with several options. Is this wealth of choice really actually worth it? Let’s try all of the options and see.

  • Café Crème: Not a great start. You’d be forgiven for thinking that this is coffee with cream as I did. Imagine my disappointment to find it was just a cup of black, quite bitter, Americano style coffee which tastes no better than instant. Milk might help, but for the purposes of this taste test the only addition I’m making is my usual two sugars.
  • Americano: This actually does what it says on the tin. Unfortunately it tastes like warm dirty water. We’ll not be having it again.
  • Espresso: No, it’s not expresso and in this case it’s barely espresso. I won’t be sleeping much tonight.
  • Café au Lait: From the French for Coffee with Milk, one would expect it to be simple coffee with a dash of cow juice. In reality it seem more like a latte, with a dash of Americano style coffee topped up with heated milk. This seems to be the best, so far.
  • Hot Water: You are kidding? No, I won’t drink a cup of hot water with two sugars in it.

So, apart from only keeping me up for the next week I’ve discovered that machine made coffee is pretty much all the same. I just want a pot of filter coffee – is that asking too much?

On a JET plane

Anticipation
Image via Wikipedia

I was tempted to join the JET program when I graduated college but this account of an American’s experiences suggest it might have broken my naive fragile mind. An example:

Doctor skit again. I’d been helping these particular boys with vocabulary, so I kind of had an idea what was coming…but I was in no way prepared for it.

Boy 1: Oh, hi. What’s wrong?
Boy 2: (clutching his stomach) I have a pain here. I can’t go toilet.
Boy 1: When did it start?
Boy 2: Two months ago.
Boy 1: Ok. Open your buttcrack.

Now, “open your buttcrack” is already strange enough. That alone might have been enough to amuse me for the rest of the day. What killed me though, was when Boy 2 stood up, hunched forward a bit, and with a facial expression that looked like he was sucking on a lemon while someone was telling him the family dog had been killed horribly, twice, he made this unforgettable “Huuuaaaaoooouuuugggghhhhh…..” noise. …What the hell is that?! The open your buttcrack noise? For you video gamers out there, imagine Guile’s defeat scream from Street Fighter II, except prolongued and…uh…more constipated. That, coupled with the face he made…it still cracks me up just thinking about it.

I mean really, there’s nothing more I can say about “Open your buttcrack” and “huuuuaaaaoooouuuugggghhhh” that could possibly make it any funnier.

Symphony: Even for Monkey Shaggers

Tom Baker has to be one of the biggest loons ever to act on British television:

One tortured soul I know who suffers from amazingly premature ejaculation — I mean so premature that he hasn’t got any children after eleven years of marriage — was told by the priest that it was probably a blessing in disguise. What a piece of advice to give to a poor sod who comes off at the sound of his wife’s car in the drive.