Another Friday Night

Gracie Allen and George Burns early in their c...
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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

George Burns

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On a JET plane

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I was tempted to join the JET program when I graduated college but this account of an American’s experiences suggest it might have broken my naive fragile mind. An example:

Doctor skit again. I’d been helping these particular boys with vocabulary, so I kind of had an idea what was coming…but I was in no way prepared for it.

Boy 1: Oh, hi. What’s wrong?
Boy 2: (clutching his stomach) I have a pain here. I can’t go toilet.
Boy 1: When did it start?
Boy 2: Two months ago.
Boy 1: Ok. Open your buttcrack.

Now, “open your buttcrack” is already strange enough. That alone might have been enough to amuse me for the rest of the day. What killed me though, was when Boy 2 stood up, hunched forward a bit, and with a facial expression that looked like he was sucking on a lemon while someone was telling him the family dog had been killed horribly, twice, he made this unforgettable “Huuuaaaaoooouuuugggghhhhh…..” noise. …What the hell is that?! The open your buttcrack noise? For you video gamers out there, imagine Guile’s defeat scream from Street Fighter II, except prolongued and…uh…more constipated. That, coupled with the face he made…it still cracks me up just thinking about it.

I mean really, there’s nothing more I can say about “Open your buttcrack” and “huuuuaaaaoooouuuugggghhhh” that could possibly make it any funnier.

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Boy Racer

Ferrari speeding at Piazza Duomo, Milan.
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Drivers are getting younger these days.

Consider this alleged set of letters.

I do hope it’s true.

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Symphony: Even for Monkey Shaggers

Tom Baker has to be one of the biggest loons ever to act on British television:

One tortured soul I know who suffers from amazingly premature ejaculation — I mean so premature that he hasn’t got any children after eleven years of marriage — was told by the priest that it was probably a blessing in disguise. What a piece of advice to give to a poor sod who comes off at the sound of his wife’s car in the drive.

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